My Family

The person I love the most
My Mum , My Dad, My Sister
=My Family=

No matter how, No matter what
I know
They are the one who will always be my side
They are always there to support me
They are the one who will never leave me
Friends come and go
Boy friend leaves you
But the one who will always stay there forever is:
My family
They will always be placed at the first in my heart

I always prepare for the death of my mum and dad
And take it as granted everyday as they still alive
I am not cursing them,
Just then...
I know that well
They are getting older and older
My parents are the oldest among all my friends` parents
And they arent that healthy
They do not go for healthy check up
They always take some painess secretly
They always reluctant to go for doctor
They always save while taking meal, but ask us to take healthy meal
.................................................................................................................

Although i always prepare as they will leave one day
I still will burst down, break down when they leave
I guess...that time.....
It will be a long long long period you cant see my smile
I will be living without a purpose
Living without soul

My parents are always my motivation to struggle, to excel
Because I want to give them a blessing life
With our own house
With our own car
With no worries on money
With a lots of healthy food, supplement for them

I want to be their support
I want to protect them, my dad, my mum including my sister
From every sadness
From every danger
From every bullies

When i grow up
When i am mature
When i have the ability to support mine, including their living cost
I want to give them a comfortable life

When i grows up
When i am dependant enough
When i am strong enough
I will fight back
to those who look down upon my parents
to one of my auntie who keep on asking my mum
"How do you support her to study pharmacy course..Do not ever think that the big uncle will lend you money..Because he promises to give money to my husband for blah blah blah...."
to the aunty who keep on saying this
"Why do you choose pharmacy course? Study STPM lah...Your parents isnt............."

I will fight back that time
Without any respect anymore
Not keep silent anymore
Because i will never let any bullies to my parents
Thats my parents who i respect, i love so much
"Do not ever talk any bad of my parents in front of me
Maybe i just keep silence now
But it doesnt mean that i agreed with what you said"

I ever remembered
There was once, I really couldnt stand
But my mum pressed my down
She just tried not to make any problem
SO she bare everything
But...NO NEXT TIME

To the one who bully my sister
I ever remembered
When she being bullied while she was in Chinese Society
I really hope that time
I was a 'bad' girl
Then i could slapped her twice
And warned her "Not to bully my sister!"
If same thing happens once again
I will slap the girl, although she is older than me
But she doesnt worth for any of my respect
I never want anyone to bully my sister anymore when i grow up
But protect her

I always want to protect them
I always hope to be their support
Although growing up isnt that fun
Growing up means loading with more stress, more problems
But i always hope that i can grow up quickly
Thus...
I have the ability to protect them
And tell them "Rely on Me"

I miss my man
It seems too open and too 'bright' to post it as facebook status
But...
I miss him
Miss him,
Just miss him
=For no reason=

Waiting for the arrival of friday night
And he will be with me
Just want to stay beside him
Because only the moment i spent with him
My eyes and mind are totally him
Free from everything bad
Free from the stress of exam
And thats the place, thats the person i can manja with

"My bone is pain......"
It attacked me during the june holiday
And i couldnt stay static at the period
Couldnt stand too long
Couldnt sit too long
Just need to change my position of leg often
My mum knew that well
Because i was suffering that time
Although i knew i should look for doctor that time
My insurans havent claimed yet ( previous admission to hospital)
So....i had to wait for my insurans
Because i knew
My mum couldnt afford to pay
For the treatment of my bone.....if there is really serious problem
Argh...what a stupid insurans....
Already so many months past, almost a year
*sigh* ><

It attacks me again
Though this time is not that serious as previous
I guess its the time for me to seek for doctor when i back
Mum....
"Insurans claimed already ma? I need to look for the doctor when i back"

It will be a tough week to go
the 'Black face'
arghh

how to face that..?
arghh

my tears...
wuwu

Big girl Dont Cry :(

Dont scold me, dont talk bad about me

Haha
I am just the one
who can cry so easily
who tears can fall down so easily

I am just the one
who cant stand any scolding
my tears will just falling down

I hate it, when someone scold me
or give me a black face
I am just the one
who feelings can be so easily distubed by others

In the past
I cried
even for my mum threatening voice
She said, "I am not scolding, just saying you"
But...my tears just fell down
usually, i hide it

My mum always complain for i cant differentiate between 'say' and 'scold'
Haha
I am just the one
So, dun talk to me with a loud voice

I cried
when having dinner with him
Thats not because of his fault
though, he felt,he was the one who made me cry

I just cried because the 'ibu kos' here
Thats it
I felt happy when cooking
Just loaded with stress
with someone mumbling :(

Although i cried, i never regret for cooking for him tonight
Although there was so much failure today
I am still feeling blessed today
Because i cooked for him

No matter how is it
I had tried my best
Even the taste was worst
I was happy
Because if the taste is really worst
I would only keep on smiling like a fool
and said "Haha..Mcd Delivery"
Thats me :)
I wont cry for being failed in my cooking

Just then.....
I was so stress today
from begining till the end when i cooked
Huh...
Thats why i broke down
HATE someone for showing me black face

I guess....
I scared him just now
because my tears just falling down
This is the 1st time i cried in front of him...?
I guess so
Haha

Today.....
supposed to be a happy day
because the rainbow bookmarks appeared in my blog
But......it hide a bit sadness
Because someone`s black face
><
not worth

This morning
He gave me Ferrero Rocher
Haha :)
so so so so so so so happy
But i just want to keep them ........
But
i will try to keep without attack by moulds
I just reluctant to eat them
Thats the gift from him

Apart from this
There is another kind of feelings i faced today
Ha..
caused by someone who is important for me
But.......i am not that important for xxx
huh
Hurt for some words xxx said

I am just the one...
who can be sacrifice so easily
I am just the one...
who you can hurt rather than hurt others
so sad for this
"Can you....think of me 1st for once..? think of my feelings, care for me, worry for that u will hurt me...Just once...?"

33

Just deleted
33 contacts from my hp
Just realised there are so much bt previous him
His ~12 contact num, as he changed often
His mum, his cousin, his friends........................

Its time to erase everything about him
Every pieces of memories which not belongs to me anymore
Somehow, to be honest
There is a bit reluctant
Somehow....
It is hard to forget

I kept all those for around 7 years
I kept all those sweet memories while we were still child for around 10 years

Even...
i erased the latest msg in friendster which he left for me
bt his sorry...and his hp num
This is to prevent myself to do foolish things when i emo+ing in future
I just want to erase, to avoid any possibilities that we will come in contact again
I just want cut off everything about him

And most important
I just want to be fair, for HIM, my dear
My pity dear....
SORRY

It has been a long time u wait
Wait for me
To put down everything about past
To be confident again

I can promise from the moment onwards
Chase him away from my heart
But keep Only YOU

But...
I am still sorry
I lost my confident
There are too lots bt past

If you are here now
You will see....
my body is  shivering
my heart turns weak
my tears  still falling down
everytime i see, the girl ever stay besides him......
Thats the unsecure feeling which surrounds me again and again.....
I am so nervous....

Little pieces that touches my heart

Thats the guy
So much things that he done recently,
For me

All of the little pieces touches my heart

Studied at his kost while I was having organic chemistry the next day
complaint for hungriness
complaint for no 'chocolatos' in his room

Again, the same thing I did
before going for Deepavali celebration
Thats him, took out a packet of 'chocolatos'
That, took me to the surprise
But, it touches my heart more

Next....
He became my chef
All of the dishes he cooked, were my favourite dishes
And only one dish for himself
Most important
Thats my favourite 'sweet sour chicken'
Thats the taste i used to and i love
And thats him, tried to cheer me up through his meal
I felt his compassion and love

But....the day when i went to his house, while i skipped class
helped him to cut vege. before the dinner start
His face, his words, his accompany....
already took away my hard feelings........
Thats only him, who has the magic power of healing

Then...
again....
a single message...
"Dont drink cold water"
Simple, but warm

He always remind me for take care of myself, especially during the period time
because backbone pain, tummy pain, pale are what i used to face
He is always there to remind me of my coming aunty
And it reminds me to bring my neccessary thing when going to school

Moreover
He bought the sweets
which i asked him to choose one of it
to get my constellation
He failed to do so
But
he bought it again when he ever been there

It touches my heart again
For me, thats shows his love
For me, thats the one who love you
cares for everything u said
willing to give a try for everything u want

Yesterday
he passed me a card
Haha, not credit card, but it is priceless

Thats the card for playing games in the playground
Thats what i used to play, whenever i was depressed, stress
and i couldnt find ways to release it
Thats the priceless card
Because, i know..
Based on his character , his mature nature
He wont be there to accompany me while i was playing such childish games
And i will never request for him that i want to play those games
Because he is just not the type
He is just not that childish as I

I actually felt sad for this....
previously...
Sometimes, i hope, he is the type of guy
Accompany me to go crazy whenever i was depressed
He is not, i know that well
Because if he is the type, thats not HIM anymore
thats not the guy i love anymore

But now, using that card, having that card
It seems that he is just beside me
whenever i play the games alone next time
Thats priceless for me :)

There are too lots of things he done for me

If you can look through, inside me heart
You can see, hiding behind all these touching pieces
There hide a corner, where i am so nervous enough
I am just so nervous

Thousands and thousands times
I try, to comfort myself
to make my heart cool, not feeling touched for everything he did
Thats because
I am nervous
That i may lose him one day
I just cant imagine...
Whats my life going to be without him

The only guy who knows me so well, even better than my parents
The only guy who knows every single feelings i tried to hide deeply inside my heart
The only guy who knows my thought before i vioced it
Thats HIM
Thats the man
who will help me to fix back my cupboard
who will calm me down
who will fix all the messy condition back to normal

Thats my Man
I love him
And i just cant afford to lose
Just stay beside me, till the end of my life...............
Can you...?

My blog

Sometimes i want to change the wallpaper of my blogspot
Sometimes i hope to have a new look on my blogspot

But then
Finally, i will end it up with the same look
Haha

I just simply fall in love with the winter wallpaper
Love it so much
Maybe thats because of the winter season which i love
though, i cant stand cold
But I did, love winter so much too much
Till i hope thats the place where my marrige is :)
Or maybe the place with the falling down of my lovely yellow flowers will do

There are not much people who view my blog
and thats isnt affect me much
because I Dun Care bt this
It is so seldom that i will give others my blogspot URL
Just because, this is my secret place
to throw off everything, good and bad here

But
It had been a long long time
I found that there is a follower of my blogspot
at a corner somewhere around US
unbelievable

Haha
To be honest
There is another reason why my blogspot remains the same till now
"I have no idea how to edit it"
Haha.....even this blogspot is created by my sis for me :)

If i am asked to create an account on blogspot, msn, facebook
Haha
I am really sorry to say "I do not know"
Haha...
All of my accounts were created by others for me

Facing computer programs, software, everything deals with computer: I am totally fool ^^
Same goes to the handphone, cars, dogs...which are always the topics of my friends...
I have totally no idea on them .......

HOME

1 month + 3 days
I will be at my dearly country
will meet my lovely family

1 month+3 days
I will be free from exams
I will having my 1 month holiday
I will having my chrismas at M`sia

But
so do 1 month + 3 days after
i will be separate apart with him
he will be alone at Bandung
though, i know
he has his life, he will still having fun here with friends
he is not really alone, he is not that dependance
But....
thats ME
i already can feel the pieces of *missing* him
i am just so reluctant to leave~~~~~

*If you remember I had ever asked
"How if i reach Bandung airport, i din get into flight,
but i start to miss you, so badly and choose to stay down?"
Thats what i will do
if...i will not get scold and make you be blame for this
if...i am giving the choices once again*

I MISS YOU

A letter for MOULDS

A special letter dedicated
for moulds, my super close friends for almost a year

"Moulds a Moulds...
Why are you keep troubling me?
Because of you
I need to take off all my clothes insides my cupboard and clean once a week
Because of you
I need to buy lots of water abosober and put it in each rack of my cupboard
Because of you
My head grows bigger and painful
I knows, ur existence at the back of cupboard, full of it, totally full
Arghh
But how dare am I to clean all of it ..? It just too lots
Moulds a moulds...
I am inhaling you all into my respiratory tract each day
And thats make me sick
Do you realise all of these.....?

Moulds a moulds...
Thw worst things I realise today, that you did, is that
You grow inside my 'Ferrero Rocher' !!
I am just wordless when i saw that
totally wordless
Do you know how precious is that for me?
Thats the indirect gift of my boyfriend for me
And I keep it even feeling such reluctant to eat each time
Thats the 1st chocolate from him
And you take it before I have chance to do so
How can you do so....?
Do you see how cruel you are...?

Do you know that
Staring at the chocolate, with you covering it
There is 冲动in my heart, wanna eat that, without bothering the harmness you may give
How cruel you are...

Arghh
Sick of this
Sad of this
Moodless of this

Get rid from my life!!
I beg ~~ "


My Ferrero Rocher
sorry ~~~
I love you not because of what you are
But because of thats the gift from him....


My pity Ferrero Rocher
My precious gift from Him
@_@



Proud of my religion

To be sincere
I would like to say this
I am so proud of my religion
Especially after i saw some scenes today
I love Buddhism, close to infinity

Passing a xxxxxx building near my house
During the noon time
The scenes in front of me made me felt like vomiting
There were thousands of doubts in my mind, wondering why and how could those be

At the free spaces of the building
I saw blood spreading over on floor at a corner
Then, lots of internal organs at the other corner (super lots), with some people cleaning on it
Meanwhile, there was a corner with all the skin of the animals, just skins
And a corner for cooking, with people throwing meats inside the big pot
Also some people cutting the meats and bones and packing into packets

I do not trying to look down upon others
But, for me, those scenes are somehow so disgusting
Although there are doubts in my mind on how they can do so in the building
which i feel those kinds of buildings are the purest place ever
where i could feel the essence of life, calmness there
I respect for that
As every religions are just differ from one another

But
The proudiness towards my religion grows to a very large extent
I love Buddhism XD

Look this

Thats one of my friends
Same age as me
My primary school`s friend

Surprisingly
when i saw her marriage`s pic in fb

But I am here to congrats her :)
A sincere congrats at a silent corner

Thats the bleesing smile
And I know, thats her Mr.Right
who can gives her such a great smile

Where is my Mr.Right?
I dont want step into marriage right now
But i do hope that, He is my Mr.Right
SO much, I do wish for that

Everyone has different path of life
Everyone has different opinions in life

She took me surprisingly
Just because i felt that
I will never get married at such early age
Maybe because no one willing to marry me...
Haha...
But then, thats is surely not my plans of life

My plans of life:
1. Take a cosmetics course on learning how to make up, facial caring, clothings....
    (Thats the 1st main things is important for me when i step into society)

2. Pay off all the debts within 2 years after i work

3. Buy a car after that, for my daddy if he is still working , if he isnt, thats my car XD
    (That will be the 1st car in my family, sounds pity, pity in real, but thats my motivation)
    ( Just a small car, so that i no need to use public transport anymore for work )

4. Open my own bank account, save money , save money, save money
    (Haha...I have no my personal bank account till now...I have no savings, cox even my angpau money is used up for educational, blah blah purpose..but i have no any complaint for that..Thats my parents` $$)

5. Depends on the salary i get, if it is a high pay salary, buy a house for my family, thats ours 1st house
   ( I want the house at OUG, my dream house that i wish to buy for my parents)

6. Get marry ( if there is Mr.Right who willing to do so)  at my age on 27

7. Save money , save money, save money
    (Need to save at least 1 million first before want to born a child)

8. Save money, save money , save money again....
   ( I dont want my children to face what i faced right now, having financial difficulities while wanna further studies)

......................................................................................................

I want a peaceful life with my husband
Even when there is quarrel, there will never in front of my children

Do not give any complaints whenever my husband is driving
even when he chose the wrong road
because I am not the driver

Give my children not a posperous life, a simple but happy life will do
Let them go for partime, to learn the difficulities of earning money
But then, cant let then feel burdened behalf of money when they further their studies
^^

Always take in what i face now

As a reminder in the future

Laugh at me

"Laugh At Me ba~"
...................................................

If u know, what i did just now
If u know, what i felt  just now

Ha....Ha......
laughed at myself
till it burst into tears..

I felt this
"When you reach the time you are bad in luck
It will keep going for a period of time...."

Well..
I could only blame myself

shhh

Dont whisper, even a word
Turning on my silent mode
I just want to calm down myself
to cheer myself up

"Game over for microbe assignment"
Once this had been post
Someone was the 1st to ask
"What ibu said?"

"Dont ask me
I have no mood to say it now"
It sounds rude for my reply
Its rude, perhaps

But i just felt that, that someone was taking this as a.......
arghh...
Its hard to describe

The previous incident
When all of us was directed to meet up Ibu Lucy
Thats the 1st one to ask about why
And once 'someone' knew about why
I could heard the whispers of 'someone' to the rest of group members
"They all are doing copy & paste, blah blah blah... our group ....blah blah blah"
That someone is just taking as a 'joke'? or ...
i cant find the best word to define this
But, I did, hate this so much

Dont pretend that you concern bt me
As you r not as well

I was rude to that someone
Thats just to express my feeling
So , left me alone if u felt that i was not in a good mood
If not, sorry for my rudeness

Dont utter to me, even a single word...
Because you will never know whats kind of feeling am I
Because you are not my group members

Dont keep on 'ji po' on the things happen on us
and spreading it to others.....

The flame in my heart being blow off by the wind , wash off by the rain
And the left over is just sadness....

* A lot of grammatical error*
* I have no mood to check on it*
* Just wanna find a place to voice up my feelings *

Thats how it goes...

Days without exams and busy stuff bodering me
I did, enjoyed them to the 'MAX'
and i gonna enjoy them to the end
ignoring exams will be coming just at the early of  December

It will be a super tough month to go through December
fulls with exams
Is going to become a panda that time

So i am trying hard, especially in
gaining more time to sleep ( I need this most XD)
sleeping without alarm clock, with silent hp mode
thats GREAT

having nice meal, yummy yummy
pasta, nyonya food, dessert, pasta, pork.......
WOW..
though i broke ~

I am FAT
especially everytimes he cooks
thats the superb meal i could said
is Really SUPER nice for me
( I am not standing as a gf while comment bt this)
and thats the standard of my beloved mummy
I loved them !!

Is gonna have another superb dinner again 2morrow
Haha...
I am waiting for it, starting from the day he told, he wanna cook for me~
This is the 3rd meal he going to cook for me during this 2 weeks :)

Is going to submit ours microbe group assignment today
And I am so anxious of it
Have been giving up initially after 'that' incident
However, the flame in my heart reburns and I wanna it to be the BEST
And I want, WANT the CHANCE FOR PRESENTATION !

Between...
there is a sad case here
i won a hamper during the celebration of Deepavali night
Thats my 1st hamper in life
( I have no luck everytime lucky draws )
Thanks to all my friends who lend me her tube and dress
Thanks to my friends who help me make up and tie up my hair
Thanks to my friends who gives comment on my wearings

BUT
i left it in the cab
i LOST it
@@
Guess what
I tried to call back to the taxi centre while i realised i missed it
I called twice, and they just CUT OFF my line halfway

The 2nd day i woke up
my minds thought of the same thing
'I WANT IT BACK' so much
i called again....
whithout him beside me
haha....i just hide my dissapointment and sadness
huh....
but, again the same responce....
Actually i felt like talking the same stuff while i called for cab last evening
But, i didnt, worried that my line will be cut off again and i might cant ordered for cab
Huh..Thats my own fault :(
Miracle doesnt  happen this time
although i am still waiting for it ..........

Wednesday is a holiday
Hooray !
Actually, i wanna ask him for movie
This SEM, we NEVER go for movie together
I had watched lots of movie this sem
but when recalled it back, there are none with him....
........................................................................
haih~
forget bt it....
There isnt nice movie around ...

I woke up suddenly at 7am
And I wanna sleep back now
Grab every chance to sleep :)

灰色季节

最近都是眼泪的季节

欢笑背后

独自舔着自己的伤口

一首歌亦能让我流泪

今天

将会是一个人

到pvj

换风扇

看电影

不想一个人

可是

很多事都得自己面对

阿桑 - 寂寞在唱歌

穷

很穷啊...
面对现在的环境

新买的风扇
少了组合里的其中一块
==

房间那超潮湿的情形
与微生物-霉,菌类生活的情形
很穷啊

累了

原来
心依旧会疼
泪依旧流了

怎么了
我的心

原来
心在见到那一切后
依旧会抽痛着

原来
那伤口没完全痊愈
留下的那道疤痕
竟然那么轻易地又破裂了

那么久了
心
怎么都没学会坚强
心
怎么都没学会释怀

再次的打开同样的profile
泪自然而然就流了下来

我想
最近的我
泪泉都会很浅
所以
让我一个人沉默吧

我想
最近的我
都会突然的发呆

急需一个拥抱

男人, 谢谢昨晚的你
可是
我的心还没能痊愈
我的泪还是不争气了

谢谢你的体谅
我想
我还是需要些时间

diarrhea

Having diarrhea
Really non stop rushing to toilet
huh

Thats ayam rendang which caused this!
Tummy and xx pain
*Hate*

Backspace

"Pressing 'backspace' key, but it doesnt delete you from my mind"

How long i wish
How hard i wish
i could forget everything about you

Again
I step into your world

Thats my own fault
I shouldnt find you through facebook
I shouldnt get into your profile and view everything about you and her

Again
It makes my heart bleeding
It makes me lost

Everything about the past which concerns about you
Are those which i want to delete so eagerly

Uhh...
My heart isnt strong enough
And i could hear my heart beating so slowly but pain

L.Y.H
.....................
Tell me what should i do
I hurt myself, so do YOU

心理学

陪了我的男人将近3小时
却没能将他的难过减少那么一点点

啊....
男人..
我想这一下, 狠狠一击
把男人的信心都搞垮了

他说
我让他更烦

其实....
我只是很努力地想让他释怀一些
可就是费话一大堆
T_T

啊
我要去修心理学
以后就懂得安慰他
就能更了解他一些了

我急需的心理学 :(

女人: 在很忙的时候, 却也不舍得推掉那约会, 那共进晚餐的机会
         在考试将近当儿, 即使真的时间很缺了, 也会陪在那失落的男人身边

对她来说...
亲人, 爱人, 好友.....远胜过考试在她心中的地位
虽然...她是好胜的女人