huh...

圣诞节

"Jingle Bell Jingle Bell
Jingle on the way...."
耶!
今年会在新加玻度过
不知道..今年的布置,是用什么主题?
好期待.......

一直都好想在新加玻度过圣诞节
自从中一/二
看到报章刊登那以童话作为主题的圣诞节
心..就悄悄地被那圣诞节给牵引着
只是...对家人来说..
圣诞节去新加玻
就只能用三个字形容
"人挤人"
所以....从来就不曾有机会...
从来就不敢期盼些什么

可是...
就是发生了~
在新加玻过我最爱的圣诞节...
是惊喜
对来我来说
这就象奇迹... ^^

忘了从哪,真的阅读过一篇报导
圣诞老人真的存在
每一年总会有好多好多人给圣诞老人捎信

当时...
真的好想也给圣诞老人写上一封

或许就是期待着些什么....
可是..就连我自己也搞不清楚..
自己缺少了什么~~

我爱的圣诞老人
哪一年的圣诞节..
你才会送我一份神秘礼物?

好希望
还能像小时候
在商场遇见你时
向你讨小小的礼物
我爱圣诞节
多过一切节日
包括,财源滚滚的新年
我的生日
不解...
可就是那么地不可思议

去年的圣诞节
曾经我很期待和他一起渡过
毕竟..那是我最爱的节日
可是....他做了选择
他很忙~~
去年..他的fb写着:

"this year christmas fun and suck, fun with you guys, suck that i not with you in this special day."

他不知道...

我曾偷偷因此而掉泪..

因为..这是我最重视的节日~

今年..同样的....

不能和他过...

我想...我们没缘分一起渡过这特别的一天

哈...

没关系拉..

我爱的圣诞节

今年..难得到新加玻

可不要让我失望哦!

总有一年
我要存够钱
到圣诞老人的故乡-芬兰

如果你细心些..
就会发现
圣诞节与我爱的冬天
那冰天雪地息息相关
XD

珍惜生命

All about My Dreams

 

 

All of these are my dreams hide deeply inside my heart

*Sigh*

Is hard to achieve those dreams anymore

The most important things for now are

Study hard, Work hard

Earn money and give my parents a comfortable life

Before its too late

When i have time for these

I guess I am a 30 years old woman

Brittle bones..

With the burdened of family

I am a mother

Haha XD

How to chase those dreams...

Somehow

I hope i am young enough for these

I hope i have time to chase for these

=My Dreams=

Truly, I love them so much

I have no idea whats happening around
haih
Lots of stuff ruining my mind

Today bought for my new internet cable..
supposed to buy 30m
but i ended up saying" I want 5m"
==!

Haih
Luckily just 1 second before i paid my cash to the cashier
I realised that
OMG
I was dreaming~~

58k rp for the new internet cable
Gosh
Luckily my friend lent me 40k rp even though i just requested for 20k
I had only 20k in my purse that time
If not..i need to walk back home once again...
2k left ..

Back home
Just then i realised...
Actually i can use my debit card to pay off the bill just now
Haih..
Left not much $$ in my purse..

Maggie for today...

Totally forgot that i need to pass up my ethics final essay by 2pm
Luckily one of my friends reminded me
when she wanted to take mine as reference
1pm noon
i just going to start and write my essay
huh

Everything goes wrong today
But luckily there are still someone remind me in time

I guess...
I need some rest....a long rest till tomorrow only start fighting for my exam~
SOS..

负责

今天...
开口向某朋友借钱
说明年一月回来时..
才需要的
2 juta= RM800

坦然的说
或许要明年年终才还得到

我....
只知道
我需要对自己的行为负责
妈咪给的钱...
是足够到明年3月的.....
可是...
却被我花完了...

我自认没乱花钱....
衣服, 装饰品都没添购...
大部分的钱...
都花在娱乐, 吃喝玩乐上...
哈...
可是..太离谱了..

现在好穷....
扣除了imegresen,airport tax, taxi fees
我就只剩RM100
要挨多2个星期...

明年起...
要再从妈咪3月时, 汇过来的钱当中
一点一点省起来...
填补这空缺...

想到就觉得好苦...
可是...
总比向妈咪开口要钱
好得多了

至少
我自在
我心安理得

人. 总是要学会抗下责任
人. 总是要学会负责

钱不够用

糟糕了
咪进了那么多钱给我
竟然钱不够用

啊...
超支了
好离谱的自己
无法原谅~

饿到醒了
好饿好饿好饿
晚餐只吃了中午的剩饭~
现在开始进行买一次, 吃2餐

真的没脸再伸手讨钱
啊...
就当着减肥吧
我可以的!

还是很饿很饿 :(

My Family

The person I love the most
My Mum , My Dad, My Sister
=My Family=

No matter how, No matter what
I know
They are the one who will always be my side
They are always there to support me
They are the one who will never leave me
Friends come and go
Boy friend leaves you
But the one who will always stay there forever is:
My family
They will always be placed at the first in my heart

I always prepare for the death of my mum and dad
And take it as granted everyday as they still alive
I am not cursing them,
Just then...
I know that well
They are getting older and older
My parents are the oldest among all my friends` parents
And they arent that healthy
They do not go for healthy check up
They always take some painess secretly
They always reluctant to go for doctor
They always save while taking meal, but ask us to take healthy meal
.................................................................................................................

Although i always prepare as they will leave one day
I still will burst down, break down when they leave
I guess...that time.....
It will be a long long long period you cant see my smile
I will be living without a purpose
Living without soul

My parents are always my motivation to struggle, to excel
Because I want to give them a blessing life
With our own house
With our own car
With no worries on money
With a lots of healthy food, supplement for them

I want to be their support
I want to protect them, my dad, my mum including my sister
From every sadness
From every danger
From every bullies

When i grow up
When i am mature
When i have the ability to support mine, including their living cost
I want to give them a comfortable life

When i grows up
When i am dependant enough
When i am strong enough
I will fight back
to those who look down upon my parents
to one of my auntie who keep on asking my mum
"How do you support her to study pharmacy course..Do not ever think that the big uncle will lend you money..Because he promises to give money to my husband for blah blah blah...."
to the aunty who keep on saying this
"Why do you choose pharmacy course? Study STPM lah...Your parents isnt............."

I will fight back that time
Without any respect anymore
Not keep silent anymore
Because i will never let any bullies to my parents
Thats my parents who i respect, i love so much
"Do not ever talk any bad of my parents in front of me
Maybe i just keep silence now
But it doesnt mean that i agreed with what you said"

I ever remembered
There was once, I really couldnt stand
But my mum pressed my down
She just tried not to make any problem
SO she bare everything
But...NO NEXT TIME

To the one who bully my sister
I ever remembered
When she being bullied while she was in Chinese Society
I really hope that time
I was a 'bad' girl
Then i could slapped her twice
And warned her "Not to bully my sister!"
If same thing happens once again
I will slap the girl, although she is older than me
But she doesnt worth for any of my respect
I never want anyone to bully my sister anymore when i grow up
But protect her

I always want to protect them
I always hope to be their support
Although growing up isnt that fun
Growing up means loading with more stress, more problems
But i always hope that i can grow up quickly
Thus...
I have the ability to protect them
And tell them "Rely on Me"

I miss my man
It seems too open and too 'bright' to post it as facebook status
But...
I miss him
Miss him,
Just miss him
=For no reason=

Waiting for the arrival of friday night
And he will be with me
Just want to stay beside him
Because only the moment i spent with him
My eyes and mind are totally him
Free from everything bad
Free from the stress of exam
And thats the place, thats the person i can manja with

"My bone is pain......"
It attacked me during the june holiday
And i couldnt stay static at the period
Couldnt stand too long
Couldnt sit too long
Just need to change my position of leg often
My mum knew that well
Because i was suffering that time
Although i knew i should look for doctor that time
My insurans havent claimed yet ( previous admission to hospital)
So....i had to wait for my insurans
Because i knew
My mum couldnt afford to pay
For the treatment of my bone.....if there is really serious problem
Argh...what a stupid insurans....
Already so many months past, almost a year
*sigh* ><

It attacks me again
Though this time is not that serious as previous
I guess its the time for me to seek for doctor when i back
Mum....
"Insurans claimed already ma? I need to look for the doctor when i back"

It will be a tough week to go
the 'Black face'
arghh

how to face that..?
arghh

my tears...
wuwu

Big girl Dont Cry :(

Dont scold me, dont talk bad about me

Haha
I am just the one
who can cry so easily
who tears can fall down so easily

I am just the one
who cant stand any scolding
my tears will just falling down

I hate it, when someone scold me
or give me a black face
I am just the one
who feelings can be so easily distubed by others

In the past
I cried
even for my mum threatening voice
She said, "I am not scolding, just saying you"
But...my tears just fell down
usually, i hide it

My mum always complain for i cant differentiate between 'say' and 'scold'
Haha
I am just the one
So, dun talk to me with a loud voice

I cried
when having dinner with him
Thats not because of his fault
though, he felt,he was the one who made me cry

I just cried because the 'ibu kos' here
Thats it
I felt happy when cooking
Just loaded with stress
with someone mumbling :(

Although i cried, i never regret for cooking for him tonight
Although there was so much failure today
I am still feeling blessed today
Because i cooked for him

No matter how is it
I had tried my best
Even the taste was worst
I was happy
Because if the taste is really worst
I would only keep on smiling like a fool
and said "Haha..Mcd Delivery"
Thats me :)
I wont cry for being failed in my cooking

Just then.....
I was so stress today
from begining till the end when i cooked
Huh...
Thats why i broke down
HATE someone for showing me black face

I guess....
I scared him just now
because my tears just falling down
This is the 1st time i cried in front of him...?
I guess so
Haha

Today.....
supposed to be a happy day
because the rainbow bookmarks appeared in my blog
But......it hide a bit sadness
Because someone`s black face
><
not worth

This morning
He gave me Ferrero Rocher
Haha :)
so so so so so so so happy
But i just want to keep them ........
But
i will try to keep without attack by moulds
I just reluctant to eat them
Thats the gift from him

Apart from this
There is another kind of feelings i faced today
Ha..
caused by someone who is important for me
But.......i am not that important for xxx
huh
Hurt for some words xxx said

I am just the one...
who can be sacrifice so easily
I am just the one...
who you can hurt rather than hurt others
so sad for this
"Can you....think of me 1st for once..? think of my feelings, care for me, worry for that u will hurt me...Just once...?"

33

Just deleted
33 contacts from my hp
Just realised there are so much bt previous him
His ~12 contact num, as he changed often
His mum, his cousin, his friends........................

Its time to erase everything about him
Every pieces of memories which not belongs to me anymore
Somehow, to be honest
There is a bit reluctant
Somehow....
It is hard to forget

I kept all those for around 7 years
I kept all those sweet memories while we were still child for around 10 years

Even...
i erased the latest msg in friendster which he left for me
bt his sorry...and his hp num
This is to prevent myself to do foolish things when i emo+ing in future
I just want to erase, to avoid any possibilities that we will come in contact again
I just want cut off everything about him

And most important
I just want to be fair, for HIM, my dear
My pity dear....
SORRY

It has been a long time u wait
Wait for me
To put down everything about past
To be confident again

I can promise from the moment onwards
Chase him away from my heart
But keep Only YOU

But...
I am still sorry
I lost my confident
There are too lots bt past

If you are here now
You will see....
my body is  shivering
my heart turns weak
my tears  still falling down
everytime i see, the girl ever stay besides him......
Thats the unsecure feeling which surrounds me again and again.....
I am so nervous....

Little pieces that touches my heart

Thats the guy
So much things that he done recently,
For me

All of the little pieces touches my heart

Studied at his kost while I was having organic chemistry the next day
complaint for hungriness
complaint for no 'chocolatos' in his room

Again, the same thing I did
before going for Deepavali celebration
Thats him, took out a packet of 'chocolatos'
That, took me to the surprise
But, it touches my heart more

Next....
He became my chef
All of the dishes he cooked, were my favourite dishes
And only one dish for himself
Most important
Thats my favourite 'sweet sour chicken'
Thats the taste i used to and i love
And thats him, tried to cheer me up through his meal
I felt his compassion and love

But....the day when i went to his house, while i skipped class
helped him to cut vege. before the dinner start
His face, his words, his accompany....
already took away my hard feelings........
Thats only him, who has the magic power of healing

Then...
again....
a single message...
"Dont drink cold water"
Simple, but warm

He always remind me for take care of myself, especially during the period time
because backbone pain, tummy pain, pale are what i used to face
He is always there to remind me of my coming aunty
And it reminds me to bring my neccessary thing when going to school

Moreover
He bought the sweets
which i asked him to choose one of it
to get my constellation
He failed to do so
But
he bought it again when he ever been there

It touches my heart again
For me, thats shows his love
For me, thats the one who love you
cares for everything u said
willing to give a try for everything u want

Yesterday
he passed me a card
Haha, not credit card, but it is priceless

Thats the card for playing games in the playground
Thats what i used to play, whenever i was depressed, stress
and i couldnt find ways to release it
Thats the priceless card
Because, i know..
Based on his character , his mature nature
He wont be there to accompany me while i was playing such childish games
And i will never request for him that i want to play those games
Because he is just not the type
He is just not that childish as I

I actually felt sad for this....
previously...
Sometimes, i hope, he is the type of guy
Accompany me to go crazy whenever i was depressed
He is not, i know that well
Because if he is the type, thats not HIM anymore
thats not the guy i love anymore

But now, using that card, having that card
It seems that he is just beside me
whenever i play the games alone next time
Thats priceless for me :)

There are too lots of things he done for me

If you can look through, inside me heart
You can see, hiding behind all these touching pieces
There hide a corner, where i am so nervous enough
I am just so nervous

Thousands and thousands times
I try, to comfort myself
to make my heart cool, not feeling touched for everything he did
Thats because
I am nervous
That i may lose him one day
I just cant imagine...
Whats my life going to be without him

The only guy who knows me so well, even better than my parents
The only guy who knows every single feelings i tried to hide deeply inside my heart
The only guy who knows my thought before i vioced it
Thats HIM
Thats the man
who will help me to fix back my cupboard
who will calm me down
who will fix all the messy condition back to normal

Thats my Man
I love him
And i just cant afford to lose
Just stay beside me, till the end of my life...............
Can you...?

My blog

Sometimes i want to change the wallpaper of my blogspot
Sometimes i hope to have a new look on my blogspot

But then
Finally, i will end it up with the same look
Haha

I just simply fall in love with the winter wallpaper
Love it so much
Maybe thats because of the winter season which i love
though, i cant stand cold
But I did, love winter so much too much
Till i hope thats the place where my marrige is :)
Or maybe the place with the falling down of my lovely yellow flowers will do

There are not much people who view my blog
and thats isnt affect me much
because I Dun Care bt this
It is so seldom that i will give others my blogspot URL
Just because, this is my secret place
to throw off everything, good and bad here

But
It had been a long long time
I found that there is a follower of my blogspot
at a corner somewhere around US
unbelievable

Haha
To be honest
There is another reason why my blogspot remains the same till now
"I have no idea how to edit it"
Haha.....even this blogspot is created by my sis for me :)

If i am asked to create an account on blogspot, msn, facebook
Haha
I am really sorry to say "I do not know"
Haha...
All of my accounts were created by others for me

Facing computer programs, software, everything deals with computer: I am totally fool ^^
Same goes to the handphone, cars, dogs...which are always the topics of my friends...
I have totally no idea on them .......

HOME

1 month + 3 days
I will be at my dearly country
will meet my lovely family

1 month+3 days
I will be free from exams
I will having my 1 month holiday
I will having my chrismas at M`sia

But
so do 1 month + 3 days after
i will be separate apart with him
he will be alone at Bandung
though, i know
he has his life, he will still having fun here with friends
he is not really alone, he is not that dependance
But....
thats ME
i already can feel the pieces of *missing* him
i am just so reluctant to leave~~~~~

*If you remember I had ever asked
"How if i reach Bandung airport, i din get into flight,
but i start to miss you, so badly and choose to stay down?"
Thats what i will do
if...i will not get scold and make you be blame for this
if...i am giving the choices once again*

I MISS YOU

A letter for MOULDS

A special letter dedicated
for moulds, my super close friends for almost a year

"Moulds a Moulds...
Why are you keep troubling me?
Because of you
I need to take off all my clothes insides my cupboard and clean once a week
Because of you
I need to buy lots of water abosober and put it in each rack of my cupboard
Because of you
My head grows bigger and painful
I knows, ur existence at the back of cupboard, full of it, totally full
Arghh
But how dare am I to clean all of it ..? It just too lots
Moulds a moulds...
I am inhaling you all into my respiratory tract each day
And thats make me sick
Do you realise all of these.....?

Moulds a moulds...
Thw worst things I realise today, that you did, is that
You grow inside my 'Ferrero Rocher' !!
I am just wordless when i saw that
totally wordless
Do you know how precious is that for me?
Thats the indirect gift of my boyfriend for me
And I keep it even feeling such reluctant to eat each time
Thats the 1st chocolate from him
And you take it before I have chance to do so
How can you do so....?
Do you see how cruel you are...?

Do you know that
Staring at the chocolate, with you covering it
There is 冲动in my heart, wanna eat that, without bothering the harmness you may give
How cruel you are...

Arghh
Sick of this
Sad of this
Moodless of this

Get rid from my life!!
I beg ~~ "


My Ferrero Rocher
sorry ~~~
I love you not because of what you are
But because of thats the gift from him....


My pity Ferrero Rocher
My precious gift from Him
@_@



Proud of my religion

To be sincere
I would like to say this
I am so proud of my religion
Especially after i saw some scenes today
I love Buddhism, close to infinity

Passing a xxxxxx building near my house
During the noon time
The scenes in front of me made me felt like vomiting
There were thousands of doubts in my mind, wondering why and how could those be

At the free spaces of the building
I saw blood spreading over on floor at a corner
Then, lots of internal organs at the other corner (super lots), with some people cleaning on it
Meanwhile, there was a corner with all the skin of the animals, just skins
And a corner for cooking, with people throwing meats inside the big pot
Also some people cutting the meats and bones and packing into packets

I do not trying to look down upon others
But, for me, those scenes are somehow so disgusting
Although there are doubts in my mind on how they can do so in the building
which i feel those kinds of buildings are the purest place ever
where i could feel the essence of life, calmness there
I respect for that
As every religions are just differ from one another

But
The proudiness towards my religion grows to a very large extent
I love Buddhism XD

Look this

Thats one of my friends
Same age as me
My primary school`s friend

Surprisingly
when i saw her marriage`s pic in fb

But I am here to congrats her :)
A sincere congrats at a silent corner

Thats the bleesing smile
And I know, thats her Mr.Right
who can gives her such a great smile

Where is my Mr.Right?
I dont want step into marriage right now
But i do hope that, He is my Mr.Right
SO much, I do wish for that

Everyone has different path of life
Everyone has different opinions in life

She took me surprisingly
Just because i felt that
I will never get married at such early age
Maybe because no one willing to marry me...
Haha...
But then, thats is surely not my plans of life

My plans of life:
1. Take a cosmetics course on learning how to make up, facial caring, clothings....
    (Thats the 1st main things is important for me when i step into society)

2. Pay off all the debts within 2 years after i work

3. Buy a car after that, for my daddy if he is still working , if he isnt, thats my car XD
    (That will be the 1st car in my family, sounds pity, pity in real, but thats my motivation)
    ( Just a small car, so that i no need to use public transport anymore for work )

4. Open my own bank account, save money , save money, save money
    (Haha...I have no my personal bank account till now...I have no savings, cox even my angpau money is used up for educational, blah blah purpose..but i have no any complaint for that..Thats my parents` $$)

5. Depends on the salary i get, if it is a high pay salary, buy a house for my family, thats ours 1st house
   ( I want the house at OUG, my dream house that i wish to buy for my parents)

6. Get marry ( if there is Mr.Right who willing to do so)  at my age on 27

7. Save money , save money, save money
    (Need to save at least 1 million first before want to born a child)

8. Save money, save money , save money again....
   ( I dont want my children to face what i faced right now, having financial difficulities while wanna further studies)

......................................................................................................

I want a peaceful life with my husband
Even when there is quarrel, there will never in front of my children

Do not give any complaints whenever my husband is driving
even when he chose the wrong road
because I am not the driver

Give my children not a posperous life, a simple but happy life will do
Let them go for partime, to learn the difficulities of earning money
But then, cant let then feel burdened behalf of money when they further their studies
^^

Always take in what i face now

As a reminder in the future

Laugh at me

"Laugh At Me ba~"
...................................................

If u know, what i did just now
If u know, what i felt  just now

Ha....Ha......
laughed at myself
till it burst into tears..

I felt this
"When you reach the time you are bad in luck
It will keep going for a period of time...."

Well..
I could only blame myself

shhh

Dont whisper, even a word
Turning on my silent mode
I just want to calm down myself
to cheer myself up

"Game over for microbe assignment"
Once this had been post
Someone was the 1st to ask
"What ibu said?"

"Dont ask me
I have no mood to say it now"
It sounds rude for my reply
Its rude, perhaps

But i just felt that, that someone was taking this as a.......
arghh...
Its hard to describe

The previous incident
When all of us was directed to meet up Ibu Lucy
Thats the 1st one to ask about why
And once 'someone' knew about why
I could heard the whispers of 'someone' to the rest of group members
"They all are doing copy & paste, blah blah blah... our group ....blah blah blah"
That someone is just taking as a 'joke'? or ...
i cant find the best word to define this
But, I did, hate this so much

Dont pretend that you concern bt me
As you r not as well

I was rude to that someone
Thats just to express my feeling
So , left me alone if u felt that i was not in a good mood
If not, sorry for my rudeness

Dont utter to me, even a single word...
Because you will never know whats kind of feeling am I
Because you are not my group members

Dont keep on 'ji po' on the things happen on us
and spreading it to others.....

The flame in my heart being blow off by the wind , wash off by the rain
And the left over is just sadness....

* A lot of grammatical error*
* I have no mood to check on it*
* Just wanna find a place to voice up my feelings *

Thats how it goes...

Days without exams and busy stuff bodering me
I did, enjoyed them to the 'MAX'
and i gonna enjoy them to the end
ignoring exams will be coming just at the early of  December

It will be a super tough month to go through December
fulls with exams
Is going to become a panda that time

So i am trying hard, especially in
gaining more time to sleep ( I need this most XD)
sleeping without alarm clock, with silent hp mode
thats GREAT

having nice meal, yummy yummy
pasta, nyonya food, dessert, pasta, pork.......
WOW..
though i broke ~

I am FAT
especially everytimes he cooks
thats the superb meal i could said
is Really SUPER nice for me
( I am not standing as a gf while comment bt this)
and thats the standard of my beloved mummy
I loved them !!

Is gonna have another superb dinner again 2morrow
Haha...
I am waiting for it, starting from the day he told, he wanna cook for me~
This is the 3rd meal he going to cook for me during this 2 weeks :)

Is going to submit ours microbe group assignment today
And I am so anxious of it
Have been giving up initially after 'that' incident
However, the flame in my heart reburns and I wanna it to be the BEST
And I want, WANT the CHANCE FOR PRESENTATION !

Between...
there is a sad case here
i won a hamper during the celebration of Deepavali night
Thats my 1st hamper in life
( I have no luck everytime lucky draws )
Thanks to all my friends who lend me her tube and dress
Thanks to my friends who help me make up and tie up my hair
Thanks to my friends who gives comment on my wearings

BUT
i left it in the cab
i LOST it
@@
Guess what
I tried to call back to the taxi centre while i realised i missed it
I called twice, and they just CUT OFF my line halfway

The 2nd day i woke up
my minds thought of the same thing
'I WANT IT BACK' so much
i called again....
whithout him beside me
haha....i just hide my dissapointment and sadness
huh....
but, again the same responce....
Actually i felt like talking the same stuff while i called for cab last evening
But, i didnt, worried that my line will be cut off again and i might cant ordered for cab
Huh..Thats my own fault :(
Miracle doesnt  happen this time
although i am still waiting for it ..........

Wednesday is a holiday
Hooray !
Actually, i wanna ask him for movie
This SEM, we NEVER go for movie together
I had watched lots of movie this sem
but when recalled it back, there are none with him....
........................................................................
haih~
forget bt it....
There isnt nice movie around ...

I woke up suddenly at 7am
And I wanna sleep back now
Grab every chance to sleep :)

灰色季节

最近都是眼泪的季节

欢笑背后

独自舔着自己的伤口

一首歌亦能让我流泪

今天

将会是一个人

到pvj

换风扇

看电影

不想一个人

可是

很多事都得自己面对

阿桑 - 寂寞在唱歌

穷

很穷啊...
面对现在的环境

新买的风扇
少了组合里的其中一块
==

房间那超潮湿的情形
与微生物-霉,菌类生活的情形
很穷啊

累了

原来
心依旧会疼
泪依旧流了

怎么了
我的心

原来
心在见到那一切后
依旧会抽痛着

原来
那伤口没完全痊愈
留下的那道疤痕
竟然那么轻易地又破裂了

那么久了
心
怎么都没学会坚强
心
怎么都没学会释怀

再次的打开同样的profile
泪自然而然就流了下来

我想
最近的我
泪泉都会很浅
所以
让我一个人沉默吧

我想
最近的我
都会突然的发呆

急需一个拥抱

男人, 谢谢昨晚的你
可是
我的心还没能痊愈
我的泪还是不争气了

谢谢你的体谅
我想
我还是需要些时间

diarrhea

Having diarrhea
Really non stop rushing to toilet
huh

Thats ayam rendang which caused this!
Tummy and xx pain
*Hate*

Backspace

"Pressing 'backspace' key, but it doesnt delete you from my mind"

How long i wish
How hard i wish
i could forget everything about you

Again
I step into your world

Thats my own fault
I shouldnt find you through facebook
I shouldnt get into your profile and view everything about you and her

Again
It makes my heart bleeding
It makes me lost

Everything about the past which concerns about you
Are those which i want to delete so eagerly

Uhh...
My heart isnt strong enough
And i could hear my heart beating so slowly but pain

L.Y.H
.....................
Tell me what should i do
I hurt myself, so do YOU

心理学

陪了我的男人将近3小时
却没能将他的难过减少那么一点点

啊....
男人..
我想这一下, 狠狠一击
把男人的信心都搞垮了

他说
我让他更烦

其实....
我只是很努力地想让他释怀一些
可就是费话一大堆
T_T

啊
我要去修心理学
以后就懂得安慰他
就能更了解他一些了

我急需的心理学 :(

女人: 在很忙的时候, 却也不舍得推掉那约会, 那共进晚餐的机会
         在考试将近当儿, 即使真的时间很缺了, 也会陪在那失落的男人身边

对她来说...
亲人, 爱人, 好友.....远胜过考试在她心中的地位
虽然...她是好胜的女人

T_T

10am

something happened

mu cupboard broken down

stunned for a while

tears rolling down

seek for help from the bapak

but then he said ...cant save my cupboard

i found my self useless and helpless

HELP

who are here now.......??

crying....

Just a simple sentence

"some1 finally said she like muscle guy..i think i should work hard on it...^^ "

Just a simple sentence
but it lights up my smile
Just a simple sentence
but it makes me feel warm

You will never know
I am the one
who ban him from diet
I am the one
who want him to keep as the same condition
I am the one
who keep on saying "muscle guy is just so 'yaks' for me"
I am the one
who can still smiling so happily
when ppl pijak about his 'lemak'

Haha :)

I am just worry
someone will steal him away from me
thats why i trying to make him
not becoming the type which girls will easily fall in love with

Haha :)

No one knows the truth lies behind
I am the one
who cause these...

Haha :)

He is always trying hard
to be the one which i wish for

Now...
He is trying hard for me and also himself
as he want to cut down his weight long time ago

Although somehow i feel unsecure
but i am proud of him
Just because he thinks of me
for everything he going to do :)

男人

世人常说
男人有泪不轻淌

昨夜的我
看到了他
眼睛和鼻尖泛红的模样

这次
是为了家人

我想
他只会为了
１．　真的忍无可忍,　承受好多委屈后，抽泣的哭
２．　家人的事,　而痛哭

他.．．．
会不会哪一天.．是为了我而哭泣？
我问自己

我希望＇会＇
至少，　这证明了．．
我对他而言,　是重要的～

我还是很任性
哈哈
总爱在他面前提起别的男人
就只是喜欢他吃醋的模样

沉重的心. 迷信的我

昨天..
和他很悠闲的
看着'恋爱通告'
然后很悠闲地说话..

我告诉他
我爱我长发的原因
我那么疼我长发的原因

你们知道为什么吗?

背后隐藏个你意想不到的理由
是一个悲伤的理由
我告诉他了

他总问我:
脱鞋坏了
怎么都不舍得买?
要不他买给我...

其实
是我害怕换鞋
换鞋, 或者鞋坏了
像是说
我和他的感情到了句点
我害怕
我承认我迷信
可是....就只是想这样让我安心一些

昨天
我告诉他
'我没能那么快安定下来'
我或许会变心

虽然我知道
从过去来看
我不会
爱了.....就算到了他对我说分手的那天
我想.......我依旧会继续
依旧会花上好几年来放下

他不知道
我早就为了他会和我分手的可能做了准备
因为想要继续待在他身边
因为想继续给他支持
用了匿名-雪 在他部落留言
哈~
"他不知道的事"

我说:"我没能那么快安定下来"
其实....
是想说...
我很容易感到不安
是想说..
如果在我需要你时, 却找不到你
我会做错事
我或许会随手捉根柱子
寻找我想要的依靠

我总提醒自己
"不能太开心, 才不会太伤心"
正常的人
都不会这样想吧!

沉重的心. 迷信的我
你负荷得了吗....?
我的男人

希望对下一个人可以公平些=）

一早起来
这一行字出现在我的fb
出现在我的屏幕上

还有着
他的'Like'

我笑了................
那句话钻进了我的心扉里

"对下一个人可以公平些"

一遍又一遍,
我问自己"做到了吗?"
我知道: 没有!

因为过去, 我对爱情失去了信心
因为过去, 我总是能那么轻易的不安
因为过去, 我不相信那'一辈子'的童话会发生在我身上
(虽然我很想,虽然我很渴望)
因为过去, 每一天我都有着"分手"的准备
(虽然我知道, 这次的我会哭得更 '稀哩哗拉' ,
我需要更长的康复期限,
因为他是那唯一一个了如指掌的男生)

要如何对你公平...?

慷...
如果你知道过去的每一个细节
你就会知道
那是用一辈子却依旧抹杀不掉的
第一掌
就那么的狠, 猛
那是我第一次被人伤得那么深
第一次就这么深
阴影如何`随风而去'.........?

是时候想个办法了
我想, 你累了

For my 1st Love

=谢谢你伤得我这么深=

我不知道我还要承受多少伤痛,
我也不知道在人生的旅途里我注定要有怎样的命运,
我会好好的,
我爱的人，请记住这世上没有人会再像我这样深爱一个你了,
记住，对于你，从心底里爱了，爱过了。
是的，是爱过了，因为我们的一切都已经成为了过去，我不怪你，不怪你给我的种种伤害,
也不怪你的不择手段，是我大方的接受了，原谅了你对我的一切,
曾经的一切我忘记了，我记不起了，如果你要的我给不了，那么放手才会让你我解脱,


其实我一直都很累，只是我还是舍不得放开对你的依赖,
其实我一直都很累，只是我还是舍不得把你交给别人,
其实我一直都很累，只是我还是舍不得离开,
其实我一直都想放手，只是我怕别人照顾不好你,


其实我一直都想过要放手，只是怕没人能像我这样爱你了,
其实我一直都爱着你......
我也想大方的对你说，只要你幸福了那么我也会幸福，可是如果你的幸福跟我无关，那么我还怎么可以幸福,



是自己太傻，是自己放不下，是自己始终坚持着什么？
心里的创伤我要怎么痊愈,
你给的伤始终永恒，亲爱的,
谢谢你伤的我这么深、让我学会了爱一个人不能全部的爱,
谢谢你伤的我这么深、让我知道了世俗的险恶,
谢谢你伤的我这么深、让我懂得爱一个人也要爱的有余地,
谢谢你伤的我这么深、让我学会了爱一个人不真心也可以玩玩,
谢谢你伤的我这么深、让我学会了不能轻易相信一个人，哪怕说很爱很爱你的人也不可以,
谢谢你伤的我这么深......

i copy this from others..but paragraph 1, 2 and last really described my feeling so well...thanks for hurting me...although he took away my smile, he took away my trustworthy, he made me feeling unsecure towards others :(

.

文字 1

"永远不要向任何人解释你自己,
 因为喜欢你的人不需要,
而不喜欢你的人不相信"

很有道理吧?

这是我近来的这几天都告诉自己的

面对一些事
有时候
真的觉得懒得解释
不想解释
只好保持沉默~

因为, 我清楚地知道
除了家人, 除了他, 没人会相信

没人会知道
你是真的好难过
没人会知道
你是真的压力好大

正确的说
没人相信
相信我的脑海真的在考试其间放空了
相信我真的那么的.....

有时侯
我保持沉默
因为我知道
没人相信

只有在他面前
我会在一提起microb, anatomy 和inorganic后
眼睛迅速泛红

只有我自己知道
每一次一想起着三科
泪都会倒流进我心里

只有我自己知道...

我想靠岸了~

关怀 1

"顶不顺你, 脸酱青"
他说

'oi'了一声
我没生气
反而开心了

看似很冷的一句话
对我来说
却隐藏着满满的关怀 :)

金莎 我介意

忘了
是否曾经post过这首歌...

可是...

我的心再次抽痛了..

那隐隐约约的心疼
我不清楚难过些什么

就只是
在内心深处
总带着那一点忧伤

或许
感伤-是我的象征

人总是那么地犯贱
明知会难过
却还是一遍又一遍播着同样的歌曲...

无语

没特别的心情
除了伤
还是伤

哭过就好了

我对自己说
哭过就好了

可是
倔强的眼泪就是不肯划下来
一遍又一遍
我告诉自己
为这种事而哭不值得
不值得
这种事根本就不值我任何一滴泪水
前几天的我
已经因为同类的事哭了一次
我不想, 再这样..

然而
才发现
强忍着, 好辛苦!

我累了
好想逃
想回家了

现在只想一个人
今晚只想一个人

怎么考试其间总特别多波折?

收起包袱
我要回家了

原来

今天的我
一整天都好不安定

什么都不想做
就只是放任自己懒洋洋地躺在床上
我努力尝试要读书
却只是吃白果

我只是全身有点酸痛
我只是到了那冬眠的季节
每个月的其中一段日子
我就是这样的颓废过活

我问自己
怎么今天的我
会那么那么的想他
会那么那么的要和他在一起
会一直就一直的守在电话旁
期待着电话响起
期待着他的信息

想他时, 超想他时
在等到着某些东西时
原来, 什么都做不好
今天的我, 真的好不安定
没有一刻是安定的

就连我失去了那见他的机会
竟然会难过到现在
我想...我会一直难过, 直到见到他为止

我甚至拿起电话
凝视了他的号码好久好久
却也没拨通...
我想听他的声音

唉...

原来我只是快到了那情绪不安, 有些烦躁的季节

男人
这几天里...能否都常常送信息给我....?
我只是到了那不安定的季节
需要你多点的关怀~

唉...
如果我给你我的部落网址
如果你知道我的心情
那该多好....

我需要 '爱'

见你的理由

我累了
对自己觉得累了
我好穷
好想见你时
却找不到见你的理由

我累了

电流来了
在还来不及见你前

我失去了那见你的机会
竟然心疼了

我想见你
走到了去你家的路途
半途中, 却又返回家中
我该持着什么理由去找你?

好想见你...

我累了...

Australia

"I am going to Australia next year june"
I wonder why, i feel so happy for him
for he can go travelling,
maybe can consider as backpack, which is one of his dreams
i smile
and i am really happy for this

He lost his chance to Bali
because of something happened around
because of money problem
and he cant go for it

He was sad, i guess...maybe so much
as i knew, he told in a so happily mode to us,
'we r going to Bali'
and finally, it ended up nothing
when i knew he couldnt go for it
i was so aware that time, while talking
worried that i might made him sad
while thinking of Bali...
while thinking of it ended up nothing

I hope his dreams will come true this time
I hope for that badly

I just want to see him, happy....

God...please bless everything goes right this time
my dear....is time to save money from now
is that the reason u go to buy stuff for cooking?
haha :)
add oil ba, save money for Australia..

God...bless for him
And....please bless i can receive his msg too...
I am the only one who cant received any msg frm him since two days ago
so bad....
i want his messages ~~~

i am still me

sometimes...
i just wanna be alone
free from any messages, any call
i just need him beside me
just him
maybe i can only find what i want, from him
honesty
trustworthy
put down all my mask
i just want to be myself

sometimes...
i just wanna be in my own world
just my own world
free from any disturbance

sometimes...
i wanna find a space, a big big dustbin instead
throw everything, frustated stuff, sadness, every secret there
and everything could stay so safe there
i can just write, just say, just note down every of my single mood there

feeling so tired
life is just so complicated
human is just too complicated
everything aroud is just super complicated

i hope i will never change
i am still who i am
until i finish my 2 more years studies here
until i step into the society

i hope few years after
i am still who i am
no influence by those bad values
i am proud to be who i am now
so....please dont change
i just want to love in everything i love, i care now
i just want to keep my dreams till future

i hope i am still who i am...

Ps: i am so tiring of life..the moment what i need to face now...

第一次

这是第一次
他像是不安的打来
问我"在做什么?"
"怎么都没回他信息"

这是第一次
他主动打来
不是为了些琐碎的事
就只是单纯的闲聊

从来..就只是我先打给他
然后,煲起电话粥
这是第一次

他不安了吗?
是否有那么一点点?
是否觉得不踏实了?
在他送了5,6 封信息后
依旧没反应的我?
我希望...至少有那么一点点~

是电话服务局出了问题
我真的没收到任何他的信息
至少..
我很少很少会不回他信息
然而...很庆幸这次它出了差错

我笑了
在知道真相后
知道他本想与我共进晚餐
之后, 心想或许我睡了
过后, 觉得怎么我都还没起来
哈哈....

我喜欢这样的感觉
感觉被在乎着
感觉他原来也会和我一样
因为得不到对方的回信
而等待
而不安

今天的我..
他打来其间
其实我很忙
有report, pre lab assignment ,和journal还没做
可是...
我却卸下了我手头上的工作..
与他聊了38分钟
一直到他说要睡了为止

很多时候
就是要有那么一点点的牺牲
为了得到那满满的幸福

现在的我...只做了report..
哈哈...夜了..
却不觉得累...
原来..幸福能让人充满生机~

男人..
明天的考试加油吖!

stay calm

Lead me to the way
to have peace in my heart and mind

I know, it is running out of time
and there is nothing left in my mind about tomorrow`s exam
the more stress am I, the more empty is my brain

U know so well
how hard i have been try to study this 2 days
how hard i struggle not to sleep
although each time, it is just a failure
and i cant fight again the drug`s reaction which made me so sleepy
yet, i know u know all of these well

Bless me..GOD
give me a peaceful mind and healthy body

And for the rest
i will do it well
=blessing=

sick

3 sickness that i hate, i afraid so much

1st- coughing
It is not a simple cough once it attacks me each time...I cough terribly everytime i sleep...everytime before i sleep, i have to struggle..until i fall in sleep...then..i cough again, that makes me awake..then, struggle again whenever i want to sleep..haixx...i hate coughing as everytime i cough terribly until I could feel there is chest and throat pain...

2nd-fever
Everytime fever...it will lasts for few days...it comes, and go, comes and go...it will turns better after i take medic...but just for few hours...then...it attacked me again...medic seem not that efficient for me anymore....as...i have to finish almost the whole tab of panadol, for few days...only then..it recover

3rd-ulcer
this is the new sickness that  i am so afraid of, after facing the terribly mouth ulcer...

I am sick..coughing, sore throat and fever...argh..i am so stressed of it..so stress...did nothing , but sleeping the whole day...agrh...whats going on with my exam if this condition continues for few days...argh...I am DEAD..ad halfly dead now....I hate it super duper when its the exam time...SAVE me...

Thanks for my dear...hugging me tightly tis noon..He keeps repeting "why you fall sick? why will fall sick?" while hugging me...and also keep kissing me on forehead and hair...gently...I know he cares...AND, i love the way he cares....

Do I

Do I

Baby, what are we becoming
It feels just like we’re always running
Rolling through the motions everyday
I can lean in to hold you, or act like I don’t even know you
Seems like you could care less either way
What happened to that girl I used to know
I just want us back to the way we were before

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby,
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy,
Do I have your love? Am I still enough?
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life
Baby, do I

Remember when we didn’t have nothing
But a perfect simple kind of loving
Baby those sure were the days
There was a time our love ran wild and free
But now I’m second guessing everything I see

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy
Do I have your love, am I still enough
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life
Baby, do I


Still give you what you need
Still take your breath away
Or light up the spark way down deep, baby do I


Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy
Do I have your love, am I still enough
Tell me don’t I, or tell me do I baby
Give you everything that you ever wanted
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life

Tell me baby do I get one more try
Do I, baby do I

对不起

病了...
思念更深了..
我们好近, 却又好远...

头好重..全身乏力...
只能躺在床上的我..
想起了..
你那一句真心地"对不起"

对不起..
那一天, 你拥抱着我说...

你向我道歉..
说你因为international night而忙的时候...
就连回应我的机会都没有..

你向我道歉...
在某朋友告诉你..
我被某男人搭讪..
呼你却没得到回应后..

当时,被某个外姥搭讪...
本来...应该会感到有那一丁点的开心...
至少证明我有魅力..
可是...
有了你后...却发现...
心里就只有你, 这唯一的男人..
有时侯, 面对他人的追求, 既然觉得很烦,反感起来...
虽然, 总在你面前, 乐津津的道起他人的追求..
可...你是否知道...
那只是我希望你在乎我多一点~

当时...
心不停呼唤着你
眼珠不移的望着你,希望你盯上我一眼, 发现我那求救的眼神..
希望你来到我身边, 对着他说:" she is my girl", 再牵着我的手离开..
等你等到失落了...

然而....
那一句:"对不起", 我接受...
我知道, 那是真心的...带着一些些的亏欠...
我知道...当时的你很忙...为当晚的事很烦..
因为那一晚...你累得趴在沙发上, 在我身边...
细述着...
所以...我接受.....

想你了....
一断断回忆不停地浮现...

我想你了.....=(

Permanent

Everytime listen to this song for sure, i will stop a while, looking for the song`s name
but everytime, i just cant remember it
but everytime, it touches me...
i felt the sadness inside~



Whats the things that stay permanent>?
For sure, one day i will lost my family members
For sure, one day my friends will all separate apart
And i dont sure if he will leave in the future~

The only things that stay permanent that i knows for now is :
Parents` love towards his and her children

ps: wishing for a long lasting relationship..i hope he stays permanent too..

心结

一些事..
困扰了我两天~

她说:"去年的我们, 在群习时,教错了她calculus
考卷派回来后, 我们都做对了..
除了她"
她对他说....@@

我的第一表情
除了震惊,没有其他

那是去年的事了...
脑海里根本回想不起那画面...

是吗?
是我们都教错她吗?
是吗?
那为何我们却做对了?
我们都没那么恶毒吧!

是我们真的教错了?
还是她做错了?

当时的她, 收着不说..
却在N月后, 对我的他说....
唉....
这是她的心结,隐藏了一年....
我无语,无奈..
好困扰啊!

如果当时的她...
说出来...那该多好..
至少, 能辨别出..到底是我们教错了,还是她做错了....

一年后....再提起,再追究起来....
只剩下那模糊, 零碎的回忆..

今天...她和weay不停的问:
"monocious 和diocious的含义...
一遍又一遍....先是我,再是dl,后是joanna,再回来问我....
一次又一次...
monoecious 是 both male and female reproductive organs in same plant
dioecious 是 male and female reproductive organ in different plant"
一遍又一遍....
我真的受不了, 那不被信任的感觉!
或许从那mono和 di中, 很让人混淆...
可是....问了那么多了...却依旧半信半疑....
我真的累...
最后,拿了自己的笔记...从网上找的含义给她们....
说真的, 我很累 ! 面对这样的情况....

如果你不相信我, 我不介意你问其他人....
可是,当所有人给你的含义都一样...
你却还要质疑时...
那下次, 请你自己准备好, 上网找含义...
不要重复的一次又一次的问..
不要问我~
ps: 我真的没耐心~ 我真的讨厌那不被信任的感觉...

从他告诉我, 关于她的事起...
我就不停地在回想...
重要的不是谁对谁错...
是我讨厌她那心结...
如果当时她说了, 如果真是我们的过失..
我想我们都不会吝啬一句"对不起"
如果是她自己的问题...那..就不会造成这持续一年的心结~

翻回笔记,努力寻找刚才考试的答案...
突然...我怕了..
其中一题是关于 monoecious 和dioecious的
起初的我,在看了pass year 后, 原以为是mono...
可是, dl 说是di...因为我看漏了其中一个重要的字眼"unisexual"

我开始烦了...
她们会不会做错?
会不会又倒头来说我们教错?

唉...
我很烦!
做人真的一点也不简单!

他懂

刚从男人的巢回来..

我又做傻事了...
为了见他一面~

去他的kost和朋友拿slides
一踏出他家的当儿
收到了他的信息...
"我在你家楼下" 我回答

我回到了家...
坐了好一会..
他问我在哪?
他刚回家...

我竟然说....
刚到你家隔壁
现在正要经过你家...

其实...
我已回到家..
只是又再去而已....
为了见他....

很傻...
我却这样了...
总是为了见他...
而说谎..
总是为了见他..
而扰乱我原来的读书计划
可是..我还是这样了...
就是想这样..
我心甘情愿..我很开心,很幸福
哪怕是短短的一小时~
哪怕最后我需要临时抱佛脚...
恋爱中的女人总不能理性思考...

和他闲聊
他说着未来
说我观察能力差

可是...
当他说到其中一部分时..
我傻眼了~

他说...
我在这最后一年时...
机票一便宜
他就乘着周末,日来...
他说...
他能住酒店
或者和我住
这时候...如果别人问起, 怎么有别人和我同居...
就说他是我的未婚夫
毕竟他大我,且到时候已在工作了~

我说:"yerr..什么话!"

口是心非是女人的强项..
其实,  我心里是多么的高兴

或许他只是无意的
我们并不是真的定婚
然而...够了...
至少...他在那一瞬间是有这样的想法
他想和我到永远....

他....怎么总是能洞悉我的想法
我的感受?
很多次了...
我难过, 他懂
我有心事, 他懂
我的想法, 他懂

到目前为止..
到今天...
我只能说
最了解我的男人,非他莫属
是真的...
他懂我的所有
他懂我的心
就连那我很细心隐藏着的一切, 他都懂

是第一次..
遇到这样的男人...

我...不想失去他~
离开了他....
我想...再也不可能遇到那个那么懂我的男人....

那一天

那一天
我说:"我想嫁人了"
当然,不可能是对他说....

是看了某影片后 (真实求婚录)
影片里, 那男的年龄于22-23间
有经济能力了
那男的觉得是时候了
想定了下来
和那女的一直走下去
所以向那女的求婚......
那女的年龄还算幼
然而...
却感触了
是第一次, 不是因为孕而婚
是第一次, 男的会先心甘情愿踏入婚姻
(有几个男人愿意那么早就被婚姻束缚..? )

想起自己为他做饭时幸福的模样

即使需要看 ibu 脸色
即使需要费尽心机想不同的菜肴
可是...和他一起进餐却是幸福的

想起为他收拾房间
才发现...
那比我收拾自己的房间还更加细心, 干净

我...
想为自己的另一半而努力
为另一半烧菜,做饭,敖汤

为另一半洗衣,收拾房间

突然....觉得-那是最幸福的
为他做的所有...

我是普及化的女人
在所有理想,志愿里头
隐藏着我的巢, 我最后的归处
我的最终梦想-嫁户好人家
组织着那美好,属于自己的家庭

我不要做个女强人
我不要只会辛勤工作

当然, 我须拥有自己的经济能力

可是...工作与家庭
家庭为首
我-就只是想单纯的做个小女人
为家务大小而费心

我们说好了....
如果能一直走下去
他的理想结婚年龄-30
我的理想结婚年龄-27

一说即合

他就是大我3岁~

可是...
那天...对某个她说
"好希望毕业后的1-2 年, 他能和我定婚"
定婚只是个简单的形式
可是...
却能让我安心, 即使未来的我们分隔两地
却能让我有信心, 对我对他, 对社会种种的诱惑
却能让我的心不会动摇...
在他因为忙碌的生活而冷落我后...至少我依旧会相信, 那坚定的爱情

她说:"告诉他吧!"

这是我不可能说出口的...

毕竟有哪个女人,会告诉自己的另一半 :"我们定婚吧?" 或是"向我求婚?"

.......................................................

不想给他压力
不想逼他定了下来

我知道....

我所渴望的....

不可能发生~

毕竟....他不是我想象的那种浪漫,梦幻男生

他不是,不会是...

然而, 他却是我最爱的-那个~

命运

是命运?
还是上天的玩笑?

安排着我像猪八戒一样
注定要经历一次又一次的情关
最糟的是:
我都败在同一个人手里

他找我了...
在我下定决心要彻底的放开,忘却他以后

这样的故事情节...
一次又一次地重复上演着
像福建"长命"连续剧
上演直几百集
延续了好几年

他总是会找我
在我下定决心,彻底把他清除以后

收到他的信息
看到ET 家族-MAIKE再次出现
心, 再次不听话了
"卜通,卜通,卜通...."的快速频率
不是因为那男女间那种因爱而心狂跳的缘故
却是因为
我的心....在害怕....在"卜通,卜通,卜通"地迅速颤抖着
担心着是否又会失去些什么...
担心着是否意味着不幸的事即将来临...

他不知道
自从和他在一起后
自从那天他把我从睡梦中惊醒,并告诉我"分手"
又在某一天....午夜,送信息说想念我后
我害怕
害怕午夜的电话铃声
像是不祥的事随之发生
害怕着手机里再次出现那既陌生又熟悉的号码
害怕着他再次拨动我的心跳
害怕着, 担心着

我说了....
他总是没彻底地放开我

我说
我累了
我想放开他
要彻底地放开他
"不要再次出现在我生命里, 好吗?"
我想要让自己的心有那-康复的期限
随之...将你狠狠忘记....

what can i do for him?

dear is having problem...
i knew that through his blog...
after i had finished one organic report...
after 11 hours working on only one report..
huh...
i felt, even much more terrible that he wasnt that well...

just saw his blog...
haixx
what can i do for him?
i keep asking myself......

what can i do for u, my dear?

i have no idea about it,
rather than accompany beside u
i have no idea about it,
just hoping i am with u now, hugging u tightly

why am i feeling that urs feeling = my feeling rite now?
is that because u r part of my life now?
i felt sad, when u r in sad mood
i felt helpless, when u couldnt find anyone for u...
i felt what u felt now...
i felt desperate
i felt just like i was in ur condition

dear.....
something ruined my mind right now
thats you, thats yours feelings

i hope i was the same year as u now
den i would say "quit ur monitor job, and i will do for it"
just like what u say...
while facing problem, i will just cry silently in room
then....everything appear as nothing, as normal after crying
nothing is a big deal for me anymore
i wish i could replace u now..
for- i will cry off all of the sadness, all the annoying things u face
and return to normal again...

dear....
are u sleeping right now?
or u have a sleepness night?

Kesha: Kiss N Tell Lyrics

Listen to yourself you're a hot mess
St-t-tutter through your words breaking a sweat
What's it gonna take to confess
We both know

Yeah I was outta town last weekend
You were feeling like a pimp around your lame friends
Now your little party's gonna end
So here we go

Woah, you got a secret
Woah, you couldn't keep it
Woah, somebody leaked it
And now some shit's about to go down

I never thought that you would be the one
Acting like a slut when I was gone
Maybe you shouldn't, oh-oh
Kiss and tell

You really should have kept it in your pants
I'm hearing dirty stories from your friends
Maybe you shouldn't, oh-oh
Kiss and tell

You're looking like a tool and not a baller
You're acting like a chick why bother
I can find someone way hotter
With a bigger, well

Cause on top of all the ways that you messed up
You weren't smart enough to keep your stupid mouth shut
I'm so sick of it I've had enough
I hope you cry

Woah, you got a secret
Woah, you couldn't keep it
Woah, somebody leaked it
And now some shit's about to go down

I never thought that you would be the one
Acting like a slut when I was gone
Maybe you shouldn't, oh-oh
Kiss and tell

You really should have kept it in your pants
I'm hearing dirty stories from your friends
Maybe you shouldn't, oh-oh
Kiss and tell

(Kiss n tell)
(Kiss n tell)
(Kiss n tell)
(N n kiss n n tell)

(Kiss n tell)
(Kiss n tell)
(Kiss n tell)
(N n kiss n n tell)

Oh I hope you know
You gotta go
Yo, get up and go
I don't wanna know

Or why you're gross
You gotta go
Yo, get up and go
Cuz I don't wanna know

I never thought that you would be the one
Acting like a slut when I was gone
Maybe you shouldn't, oh-oh
Kiss and tell

You really should have kept it in your pants
I'm hearing dirty stories from your friends
Maybe you shouldn't, oh-oh
Kiss and tell

(Kiss and tell)
Maybe you shouldn't, oh-oh
Kiss and tell

一些话

一些话
一遍又一遍的浮现在我脑海里
扰乱着我的思绪

今天...
我把他逼急了...
某个senior 说:" A lai...说服你女朋友拉,叫她考虑看,搬过来"

这时.....
开始了...
是我把他逼急了....
是他费了好多唇舌..
我却只说"我不要搬"
就连那点'我会考虑看看' 的余地都没有...

开始了...

"没有用的, 她决定了的事,谁都改变不了"
"每次都是这样.."
"她生病, 劝了她回m`sia两个星期了, 她就是不肯, 就是到嘴巴烂到不行了,才甘愿"
"这次也是..叫她raya回去, 帮她出机票, 她就是不肯...你看,现在..都没回去"
"每次都是'死牛一片劲'"
就这样.......
他不停地说啊说....

说到那senior 尴尬地对我说:" sorry ha...."

该怎么办...?

这些话一遍又一遍的在我耳边响起....
啊...
什么都做不好....
现在的我就像是没有灵魂的躯壳

啊...

我怎么总是把他逼得那么急?
我怎么总是让他着急得快疯了?

好坏吖..我....

事后...
他送了封信息给我:
"sorry just now i just crazy mad"

本来想说:" is ok, all of that is because of me"
不过..最终还是没回他...
恩......罪恶感很重也...

那都是我的错...

BREAK OFF

He told this today:
" we break off ba~"

zzz...zzzz....

i smile
thats the most stupid guy
he cares, i know
he worries, i know
thats why ...

zzzz...zzz........

maybe he is tiring
tiring for i always make him worry
tiring for he cant even change my mind after i decide something
tiring for my stubborn
haixxx

thats the different way he cares and loves me...

sometimes...
i love to see this
while he is worried about me
sometimes...
i love to hear his threatening voice
only then
i feel he is so cares about me
zzz...zzz........zzz.......

haix...
break off?
what is the relationship between us now?

hmm...
who knows?

Only both of us.....

so tight

waiting him bck last nite...
i wonder why...feeling so much sleepy
haha...
slept straight once he bck ^^

i slept so tight, till 10am..
haha
it has been a quite long time (bt 2 weeks) i din sleep like this

went out with him, to top up his internet
haha
i told him:" i wanna take some fresh air by taking angkut..."
actually, i just wanna spent time with him
week after tomorrow, i will have my exam
is hard for us to meet , to be together ....

appreciate every moment with him..
i knew so well, when exam starts
we will be damn busy with our own stuff
maybe few days only sms once

i wondered why...
but have this kind of feeling today
holding my hand, walking right after him
feeling such bahagia
haha..
i wanna be a "xiao nv ren", stay beside him  ^^

went to bip after that...
then stopped at mcd cafe for cake
haha
super geli cake, no 2nd time for him XD

then...
i slept again....
at his house....till 6pm
wow....
i am just a piglet....
and he just let me sleep this time...
usually he will just disturb me from sleeping
usually he dont let me sleep at his house once he wake up

He did his assignments...
from noon till evening
i slept from noon till evening again
haha

actually..i woke up around 5pm...
just then i pretended as i was sleeping
kekeh
his way while doing assignment was just funny
sometimes, he will suddenly sing song
sometimes, he stood up from his chair, walking around his room, scratching his head
sometimes, he talked to himself
kekeh
i just enjoyed watching these secretly

anywhere....
feeling pity for him
as he and his group members need to submit the assignment at tuesday
and his group members did nothing, and they will be back just monday
and they said, discuss at monday night
huh........i will be die if having such group members !!

his post on fb "any1 help me"
made me feel such helpless, for i cant help him
i hope i could be in 3rd year too suddenly
at least, i still hv possibility to help him

But then..
is just BEST to be in 2nd year
and he is my senior..
kekeh
because i can ask him for help anytime
because he is there for me ...

yeah..
i booked my flight ticket for december
from 23rd december till 12 january
haha
actually my holiday starts at 21 december till 18 january
but then, i wanna back bandung earlier
:p
because he is here, his turn that he din bck home
i m sure i will be missing him lots, just like this time he bck m`sia
thats why, i reduce my holidays at m`sia...kekeh...
miss u miss u, my dear...
between, i cheat him...
i will stay at m`sia for 1 month ++
haha
knowing that he hate for being cheat,
but i just wanna give him a surprise when i back ^^

未知数

透过fb
她们说:"明天来我们家吧!和某个senior"

失落了一些

本来还想不要和朋友唱k到太夜
本来还想八点半去他家
本来还想在他家一直等到他回来的
本来还想和他说"有点想你.........."
本来还想.......

唉~

我真的有点自以为是
自己计划了明天
未经同意,就私自把他归入计划内

原来...
明天...
是个未知数~

我是否能够霸道的说: "今晚陪我?"

:(

suddenly so down
haix
someone just told me that
"no organic chem" for me
haix
why so last minute?
thats the important refrence book
thats what i need so much here
dunno who to tell this kind feeling
i need that book
why suddenly hv kind of feeling that
it wont go smooth for my studies?
GOSH
i hate this kind of feeling
i should fly bck de
not for family, not for friends
but for book...
GOSH
huhu huhu.....
thats why
i trust myself, just myself...
arghh...

倔强

那就是她-倔强得很

所有人劝她:
"回家吧!开斋其间"
她说:"不,机票好贵"

生病时
有人劝她:
"去看医生吧!"
她说:"再等等吧!"

待病情严重了
他劝:
"回马拉西亚吧!"
"不需要~"竟是她的回答

以往
她弄丢了某朋友的pen drive
倔强的她..在街头找了一小时多..
朋友说:"赔一个给他吧!"
失主说:"不要找了"
她却依旧继续
是倔强
是坚持
她抱着那希望:"会找到的!"

终于//
在全部人放弃
要她不在继续的当儿
她找到了!

她总是这样
倔强得很

今天的她...
站在十字路口
等着angkut回家...
站着等了10分钟....
有人劝说:" naik ojeg?"
"不"

倔强的她...
就是硬要等着angkut
走路回家?
她不想! 晚间9点了....
她走过---一个人
她讨厌一个人走路的滋味
且,真的好暗..

她知道...
等待成功的机会很渺茫
她知道..
要是真的没angkut
到时候, 真的更阴暗了

可是...
她就是那么的牛脾气
或许...
她在等着那一丝的希望吧~
心中抱着希望
她就死赖着不走

终于//
她等到了!

她就是这样
总让身边的人担心

然而...
有时候
她就是想这样

坚持自己所爱
坚持着心里-那渺小的希望

抱着希望, 虽然知道有99%失望的可能,
却想坚持, 等着那1% 的机会~

她的心里...
总会有着那微弱的灯光
不停地闪啊闪
等待着奇迹降临

每日一丑 ＞＜

很yu 啊 =.=

她不知道的事

分离，让人感受那份想念的感觉。

告诉自己不要沉迷于想念，却是沉沦了。

离别，不由自主地回忆着过去。

身旁总觉得的少了一把声音。是怀念了。

听着这首歌，《你不知道的事》

我想起了她，

我想念那没有味道的汤，

她不知道，

其实我希望每一天都看见她，

她不知道，

我因为她的简讯而微笑一整天，

她不知道，

我期待她为我煮的每一餐，

她不知道，

我介意她对自己的自卑，

她不知道，

我其实每天都在等待她的简讯，

她不知道,

我会吃醋，

她不知道，

我的未来计划，她是主角，

她不知道，

我这样是因为我发现我真的喜欢她。

 
ps: we post the blog with same title the same day....the pig made me cry~yiks..geramnya..
     sweet and touched in heart

IF

will u accept someone who abandon u,  if he ever turns back ?
will u....?

I did it previously...so many, too many times..
just for the one...
silly?
i felt that, most people felt that....

but my heart keep on whispering to me
"I still love him, so much, too much"
while i accept those messages from him

my heart keep telling me
" I havent put him down, i still cares him, and i still want him"
then...i accepted him ...once again
i dont want to hv any regret in my life
i knew i will blame myself if i ever rejected him, oppose my real feeling towards him
thats why, i accepted him...once again

again...i being hurt....
few months or half years past
the same things happened again...
again...i accepted him
again and again, again and again

i wondered, how many times i had been hurt by the same person
i wondered, how many times we broke up and be together again
hmmm...
minumum-there was 7 times
from form 2
until when i stepped in my college..

IF u ever met and broke up with a guy only once
i would like to say "congrats"
He is a guy

IF u ever met and broke up with a guy
den he turns back to u once
but he treat u ever so much better than be4
"congrats"
u made a right decision
maybe he just stepped into the wrong way be4

IF u ever met and broke up with a guy several times like i did
i would like to say "stupid gal" and "bad guy"

Why i never get to put him down?
because he never 100% let me go away
even when he stepped into the marriage stage in his life
he kept sms me while i back malaysia that time

for-he wanna meet me up
for-he miss me
even...
when he told me he wanna get married ad
and i replied "congrats"
he told me:
"i still love u..although i am not marry v u, but is better to be like this..so that we will never face quarrel those things"
i cried that nite...
because of my stupidness...
他,就是这样..
永远下不了决定...
在爱情里, 拖泥带水的男人-最不值得爱
因为-他会拖累你的一生

i made the decision to put him down before i came to indo
nearly, i can put him down and vanished him away from my life
thats why-i accept my dear

but..he never let me go..
those messages from him ruin up my mind again
my heart never ever go through a recovery period
thats HURT

I DID, told my dear
about him, about those messages he sent while he wanna get married
about i cried that nite while received the messages bt why he din marry v me
but...i DID, made a right decision
Thats nite i was just too brave
i told him "Let me go"
i told him"I was just fine without u"
haha XD

dear...
my heart havent really gone thru those recovery period
give me some time....
i promise...after that, there is no more *miss* for him...
dear, i m just so sorry...

wanna dedicate this song :刘若英-我等你
ps: 半年逾期了好久好久,我要狠狠把你忘记-不纵容你在心底, 把你当成路过的人而已..

孤单北半球

用你的早安
陪我吃晚餐

记得把想念存进扑满

 我望着满天星在闪
听牛郎对织女说要勇敢

别怕我们在地球的两端
看你的问候骑着魔毯
飞用光速飞到我面前
你让我看到北极星有十字星作伴

少了你的手臂当枕头
我还不习惯
你的望远镜
望不到我北半球的孤单
太平洋的潮水跟着地球来回旋转
我会耐心地等
等你有一天靠岸

少了你的怀抱当暖炉
我还不习惯
e给你照片
看不到我北半球的孤单
世界再大
两颗真心就能互相取暖
想念不会偷懒
我的梦通通给你保管

他不知道的事

他不知道
只有在他陪伴当下
我才会化身为"猪"

他不知道
只有在感觉到他那冰冷的身躯
我才能安稳的一觉到天亮

他不知道
只有在微微听到他那心跳频率
我才能睡得特甜
*虽然他总会在他醒了后,吵我起床*

现在的他
更遥远了
我们间隔了一道海洋
那是我游不过去的地方
*水是我的心理障碍*
他不知道
那是我每晚失眠的原因

以往的他
即使不在身旁
只要感觉到他就在我家区域附近
心, 依旧会安定了下来

现在...
感觉不到他的气息
感觉不到他的温度
他不知道
只有到了破晓时分
有那微弱的阳光照进房里
那-才是我真正的入眠时间..

他不知道
我最迟也只能睡到八点
他不知道
少了他,我的睡意浅了许多

我是暖炉,他是寒冰
他不像童话故事里的王子
他没有那温暖的怀抱
与他相拥太久,
相反会让我冻着...
*tissue是在他家必用的工具*

曾经我渴望着他给我些暖气
谁晓得..
原来- 依偎着那块寒冰
已成了我的习惯...

他不知道
比起抱着那暖和, 不会让我因此打喷啑的被
我更爱那寒冰~

面对爱情

面对爱情
你, 是否和我一样
=时而欣喜=
=时而失落=


面对爱情
你, 是否和我一样
=挂念着=
=焦虑着=


面对爱情
你, 是否和我一样
=渴望拥抱=
=憎恨距离=


面对爱情
你, 是否和我一样
=吃醋潭子=
=吞闭门羹=


面对爱情
你, 是否和我一样
=小心谨慎=
=细心经营=
=步步为营=



面对爱情, 我, 就像个小孩
= 一心要爱=
 
 

very surprise?

very surprise?
those words knocked  me one day in the middle of night
"I did, so much"

everything happened just like miracle happened all over again in my life
unbelievable~~

"that day" is a day to be remember

寻回那遗失的幸福拼图,
心又回归到那完整的幸福频率♥

Thats it

Do u believe that:
"when u dislike or afraid of something so much,
till u hope to get rid of that thing so much,
at the end,
the "something" will fall on u..?"

Haha!
I DO~

Perhaps, thats it
=Law of Attraction=

受了点伤

阿桑

dreams

"When people appear in your dreams, It's because that person wants to see you." -- Time Magazine

Is that true?
Maybe it just partly true
Maybe it is used in those ancestor`s case or someone who had passed away

was dreaming last night, about M
this was the second time I dream about him during this holiday
maybe, it was true that i miss him quite lots?
i was thinking back the past time
haha!
when someone told me that :" i steal away her smile, help me bring it back"
i felt that was something profound which he had stated
and i was thinking "why my ex never told those great words?"
haha!
he stole away my smile, really, too much
he stole away my trustworthy in love

my smile was just too little when I was in Form 1 till Form 5
even when i stepped into my foundation
thats why my lovely primary teacher always tell me
"u should be in ur age..happy~ not as now.."
haha!

and feeling unsecure for the relationship between me and my dear
i really havent get to trust HIM 100%
still worry that he might fall in love with others (as there are lots of pretty girls and I am not the one)
worry that he might fall in love with others when he is lonely in the future when we separate apart
worry that we might get further futher and further apart, till there is no same topic between us
still worry for many others
feeling unsecure, even he really do treat me well
i do trust him, but my heart keep shivering
><
worst!

i missed my ex
although i knew,
i shouldn`t do so
*sigh*

"Is that because he wants me to see him?"
"Is that the reason he appears in my dreams?"
"Is that he miss me too?"

100% IMPOSSIBLE

Silent Love

i saw this scene just now
when i just went out my room
wanted to wash dishes

The new bapak here (replace for 2 weeks)
he lying and sleeping on the floor
while his daughter slept on the sofa
i felt touched
thats the love from a daddy to his daughter
silent love
love shown by action

i really felt it is damn cold tonight
then i asked " ngak sejuk ya, pak?"
he dunno wat i was talking about
then, i started to act, act as i was shivering
he replied "dingin"

i wondered why
but my 1st response was, took the another comforter from my room
which dai lou just returned to me
and i havent get to send to the laundry , and passed it to him
suit him ba, as thats the comforter got guys`s smell
haha XD

he rejected the comforter intially
den i said, orelse u  give it to your child

after i finished washing my dishes
and went back to my room
i discoverd he havent use that comforter
he told "kotor nanti"
"ngak pa pa" was my replied

i will never treat indonesian as well as this, i guess
especially after today`s incident
but maybe is because of his love for his child, melt my heart

i guess i can sleep well tonight
actually i felt a bit unsecure with the new bapak
as when i told him i might sleep with others and not back home
he told me  "takut? gak pa pa..bapak tidur kat sini"
his replied made me a bit worried
haha~~seldom can find tis kind of "good" guy i thought

but, after the scene just now
i think, he is not a bad guy

thats the silent love i discovered today <3

....

冰冷的身躯
是因为今晚寒冷的天气
冻结的心灵
是因为感受不到一丝丝的人情味

如果你在这, 多好
一定能感受到我那微微颤抖的身躯
而将我紧紧地拥如怀里
如果你在这, 多好
一定能给我那冻结的心灵,带来温暖
一定能安抚我那频频不安的心~

unlucky day

today is an unlucky day

the taxi driver spoiled my good mood
he made me frightened
he made me helpless,
as i couldnt find anyone that could help me that moment
he made me hate indonesia so much
he made me wanna back home so badly
he made me hate my bf a little,
as i could not reach him
he made me suddenly hate that,
he is so far from me
i even hate
the future long distance relationship we will face
and hate that i could not told all of this to my mum
because i dun wan her to be worried
no family, no bf, no friends beside that moment i being bullied
pity me~~

and the ibu and bapak at our kos
i just wondering
if there is protest near our kos
and they are finding for malaysian
will them just push me out to dead?
according to today`s situation, there is 98% possibility, they will do so

i hate them, especially the ibu
i just kept everything she done on me secretly
but my heart is no longer affordable

cooking at the kitchen
she kept mumbling
mumble that i used up long time for cooking
she kept watching and more suitable to say that she kept monitor me for cooking
she didnt let me to use large fire
each time, i could only use the smallest fire to cook
i could not use the large space to cut the vege
i could only use the super little space near the basin
sometimes, she hide some big pot and bowl up
including this time, before she back for raya..

previously, she said me
for using her`s  detergent for washing
fine...
i got a little anger that time
because the others always use the detergent there
but she said nothing
i bought her a medium size detergent back
now, everytime i washed, even a spoon, or a cup
i need to showed her that i used mine
no one will ever know whats my feeling

my bf told..
maybe she dislikes me because i used the kitchen which she dominate before
well...
i started to give her and the bapak a few packets of biscuits each time i took those biscuits
this time back,
i even gave ibu the whole pack of instant cereal drinks( honey flavour) which i like the most
thinking that they can drink and stand for hungriness during puasa

but, they will never treat me in a good way no matter how hard i tried
maybe someone was right
i just so easily to be bully

today, when the taxi driver went down
he talked to bapak and ibu about the case
haha!
same skin colour ppl will help those same skin colour, right?
the bapak say nothing but just smiling
and finally when the taxi driver voiced up" dari malaysia kan?"
he noded and replied so at once
and they talked something bad, i knew

until now...
there is still some sadness in me
my tears still falling down
they even fell down more easily
i just cant hold my feeling
each time, think back
they fell down unconciously
aiykss

how many days that i need, to calm myself down?

and my dear cut his finger today ><
such an unlucky day